Dating by telephone numbers
I actually do like this gentleman, which is unusual for me. I figure this is as good a time as any to float a pretty non-controversial theory of how to be successful in dating. Okay, so you know what a Venn Diagram looks like, right? I always ask for the man’s phone number, and offer to call him.
If you think something is reasonable, but nobody else on the planet agrees with you, you’re going to be more effective by finding a compromise point closer to the majority position. Men who don’t pick up the full check on Date 1 are not “wrong”, but they are ineffective. In the Venn Diagram of Online Dating (copyright, Evan Marc Katz), men’s circle is Speed. He wants to meet you right NOW and see you naked ASAP. You know as well as I do that women don’t want to be bullied into going on blind dates: “Dear Dan, thank you for your initial inquiry. Besides, your profile doesn’t say very much about you, so maybe if you tell me more about yourself, if we click, then, maybe in a few weeks, I’ll give you my phone number and we can go from there.” This is the entire reason that I came up with a strategy that works for both men AND women.
He says he doesn’t use the internet much on weekdays, but I’m reluctant to give anyone my phone number until I have chatted with them for a period of time. This is where I came up with the idea (espoused in Why He Disappeared) of “effective vs. Then, presuming a few phone calls go well, you want to meet him for a safe coffee date at on a Tuesday, so you can have a quick exit strategy if you don’t click. I spend about a half-hour explaining it in my Finding the One Online audio program, which helps women flirt and connect with quality men online.
Am I being unfair with this expectation of not giving my phone number out and preferring to spend weeks on online chatter? If you’ve ever wondered why you struggle with men, it’s quite likely because you’ve never given much value to HIS circle in the Venn Diagram.
This Venn diagram theory goes for pretty much everything in life. And by ineffective, I mean that by not being able to understand (much less cater to) the opposite sex’s point of view, you’re pretty much eliminating your options.
Is it possible to find a woman who’ll have sex on Date 1? Is it possible to find a man who’ll wait until marriage before having sex? But there are a LOT fewer people who will agree to either.
When I first registered, the first messages I received came with the question of giving my phone number. Thanks for your responses If you have a cell phone, you can download a free app for a second phone line, or a "pinger." This is the number I give out to people I am chatting with. I like to message a bit, to see if there is enough in common to move forward.
I thought it was crazy but then I realised that the majority of men was asking the same question from the first or second message. I mean it’s personal information that you’re not supposed to give so easily to a complete stranger.
Waking up in the morning to a string of texts calling me an asshole — or worse — or threatening me with violence is not a fun start to the day. Hamilton also says that for those intent on revenge, such as people who’ve had an overture spurned, phone numbers have served as means for victimizing.
Why I chose to relax my no-digits-before-dates rule this time is a mystery. But somehow I can’t imagine how I’d transition from near-sexting to something of substance. And it’s this very kind of annoyance that I’ve been attempting to avoid with my standard “no digits before dates” rule. And that search could lead down a rabbit hole to a lot more personal information than I’m ready to share.
Maybe I’m too sensitive, too literal, too self-protective. It’s safer than giving you my personal phone number. Try as we might to protect our information, phone numbers are relatively searchable.
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